The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
