I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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