I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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