My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
