Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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