Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
