Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
