having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
