I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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