What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
