Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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