So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
