He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You need a sexual gate keeper
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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