i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
