I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You took a bar mat shot.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
