Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
