It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
COCAINE IS GR8
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
