I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
