i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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