just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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