I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
