You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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