I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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