you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
