from now on my penis is your penis
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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