Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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