just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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