Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
