So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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