And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
