one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
