No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
