Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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