Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
