What a fucking waste of an outfit
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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