im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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