Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
