I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
