I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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