the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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