Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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