remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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