I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
