FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
