im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize