guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
