when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
