He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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