I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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