Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
