I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
