Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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