All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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