I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it hurts more in the daytime
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
