I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
