There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
