my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
