nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
