I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
be right there i have to get my cape
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
