Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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