I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
